Rama Moondra

The dawn is cracking that an age has come where I need to now play parent to my parents. They are aging, ailing and slowly becoming dependent.

I am back after meeting Babuji in hospital where he is recovering from a paralytic attack which has taken toll on his right side of body and most important, ability to speak of a great orator.  I am silent ever since.

My dark,dusty childhood memory lane is shining bright today . I used to jump on his bed and he used to laugh despite I knew how particular he was about his white, crisp linen. He loved teaching me Hindi vocabulary and a lot of my Hindi speech is because of him.Legends of Amar Chitra Katha and Phantom, Mandrake and Tintin came alive because of him.  Babuji  used to get a special caramelized sweet on Diwali and still the taste lingers on my tongue. I and my first cousins used to accompany him for puja especially for eating sweets and getting fire crackers. .

A repetitive scene is holding my fingers tight like a stubborn kid. He was teaching me how to join words which are difficult to pronounce. I kept failing and he kept smiling, giving me assurance again and again.

Yesterday, when I was holding his finger to put it on words from the word chart to get what he wanted to tell, he faintly smiled, I tried not to let my tears flow.

It’s tearing my heart apart to see him dependent, to see him trying to speak, to get that eating his own food or going to washroom are now farfetched dream but I know he will be fine again.

He had taught me not to cry when I fell flat on my face in childhood, to read stories, to blow bubbles out of shampoo, to hide and eat tamarinds under bed and he pretending to be very angry in front of my mom and dad when they used to come to pick me up. My dad would smile at his elder brother and I would be safe in Babuji’s lap making faces.

Babuji learnt computer at the age of 70 and Gujarati at the age of 75 so that he can read K.M. Munshi. He has always been my inspiration to fight life.

Then how it is possible for him not to recover? How can god not listen to her daughter and grant him health and speech again. Till then, my every prayer is for him and they sure will be heard.

So, moving on from yesterday’s post Pouvoir des émotions, what would create more powerful and effectively implementable sustenance plan?

Let’s go step by step. Today, we will discuss the first one.

Create a positive reinforcement- Start counting everything  which is good in your life. While doing this exercise, keep a paper and pen handy.  Write positives. Do not write any sentence with, “But, If, Just, Honestly.”

Just to caution you, you might time and again revisit things which are not so good in your life. Remember not to get drawn into that bend of river. Its only a downward spiral if you give up.

Your paper might look like this, “I have a good job. I have supporting spouse.”

What it should not read, “I have a good job but real bad boss.I have occasionally supporting spouse but wished someone else to be her/him.”

Nah! That’s not positive reinforcement.

Am I asking you to write imaginary stuff? No…Not at all. It’s all about focusing your entire positive energies and building them together to create a reinforcement that’s everlasting happiness, not forcefully created euphoria.

So, once you have done this in isolation, read the paper. It has tremendous power of uplifting otherwise sagging spirit.

Second Strategy on Emotional Sustenance? As always…come back to this place tomorrow.

“Few men during their lifetime come anywhere near exhausting the resources dwelling within them. There are deep wells of strength that are never used.” Richard E. Byrd

The word I fancy a lot is called Emotional Sustenance. This is a theory based on what is right in your life versus what is wrong. I meet a lot of people every day. Loads of counseling, trainings and coaching keeps my hands full. I always encounter both sides of coin. Its mind boggling to see how weak and timid people are when it comes to Sustenance.

Our lives are so much governed by the conversations we have with others. Either they are good or bad, positive or negative, angry or happy. The list is endless.

So what creates Emotional Sustenance?  A basic understanding of evaluating life with positives will create the feeling of worth.

We all need to belong. To someone, somewhere. We cling, we hold, we let go. Emotions all around us but hardly sustainable.

Every action has an equal or opposite reaction. We all know that. Every interaction has the same detailing. You are praised, you are emotionally charged. You are dumped, emotionally drained out. Both situations are equally powerful.

Your emotional sustenance will always be powerful if you do not let anyone overshadow it. How do people overpower it? One simple step is to scare you off by withdrawing emotional support. Someone giving you a feeling that you are not needed anymore in their life.

It immediately saps your energy and leaves you feeling unwanted. You succumb to it so much that a faint realization too does not happen. The realization that your demand is over with this person, not with the world.

People are created or destroyed just by giving or withdrawing support of emotions. Think if you have a nagging boss, quarrelling spouse, dissatisfied sex life, will your emotions be the same as in the case of this all being positive.

So, how to keep your sustenance high and keep building it over? More on this tomorrow.

Be with me.

Please read my series Evanescence to Libitina.

I was waiting for this mail ever since. My mailbox was full of mails about Capt Sandeep Sharma. Amandeep,my curious and treasured reader wanted to know the other side of story too. I had no clue how to get it though I really wanted to. So the first person came to my mind was Aditya Khanna, my friend and owner of a background verification company.

Here is a copy, paste  version of Aditya’s mail to me.

“Dear Rama,

Its heart wrenching to see Sandeep’s position. I met his father in law who also does not want to share where his daughter is. Sandeep has undergone treatment as well as police records verified his case well illustrated.

What he did not tell you that he let Poonam go after she was caught by police. He told everyone and you too that he did not have resources or energy left to fight for justice.

Sandeep came to know that Poonam was pregnant and Nishith was her boyfriend from college days. Her father hated Nishith for his weird habits and love of reptiles. Poonam is married to him and is in Australia. Sandeep withdrew all charges against her.” Aditya.

My silence was deep inside that night. Sitting in beautiful Japanese restaurant of O hotel in Pune, I kept thinking of Sandeep despite having an old friend to talk to. My call was late night at 11.30 to Sandeep. “I got this report and just wanted to know why did you do that? Is it forgiving?”

Sandeep’s silence was verbose. Long spell of silence broke with his husky voice. “I got her DNA done once I got her back. The child was mine, not of Nishith. But I was crippled, jobless. Do you think, I could manage a family? Will I ever forgive her if she came back? Nishith will be great father and a part of me will live always. I know, nobody will understand me but now that you know, I hope you do.”

Right or wrong, I am no one to judge but to me, it was most logical decision made.

To a fond reader Amandeep Singh Soni for instigating me to find more details.

A new series of Emotional Development begins tomorrow. See you same place again.

“How on the mother earth, someone can be so ruthless?” I was shivering with mixed emotions. I could sense fever gripping me. I know it’s my defense mechanism whenever I have my heart bleeding heavy.

So here is the last part of sad grime tale of a human. It fails all psychological reasons to be inhuman and defies every law of humanity.

Sandeep met Poonam in school days. Small crush of teenage grew stronger but Sandeep was son of an army officer and transfers of postings was integral part of their lives. So, he left city at the age of fourteen. Six years later Facebook brought them together again and love grew on internet. They met and Sandeep found that Poonam had only her father surviving now. Sandeep had lost his father meanwhile. Families met and one fine day, in a royal ceremony they took their vows.

Life was picture perfect. His mom decided to pursue her Ph.D. in U.K. and Sandeep was delighted for her.

Sandeep left for his posting leaving the bride alone after six months but kept calling five times a day. One day, the neighbor called Sandeep. They were not sure of Poonam’s conduct as a young man was living with her ever since Sandeep left. Surprised, Sandeep enquired about this. “Oh…they ruined my surprise for you. He is Nitish…my nephew from a distance relative of mom’s side.” Poonam’s voice was clear and assuring.

Sandeep never met Nitish or heard about him. He came back for a brief vacation and Nitish had left by then. Sandeep now wanted to start family and Poonam was unable to bear his touch even. The couple had a small fight over it. He felt the relationship lacked warmth of all kinds. Confused and irritated Sandeep wanted to talk it out. “I also need to know who is Nitish and which relative does he belong to? I spoke to your father and he does not know anyone with that name.”…Poonam blamed him of spying, fight went ugly and she started packing her clothes. That’s when Sandeep discovered the box of snakes.

It all happened in two nights. Poonam was missing and when she was caught by Police, Sandeep had no evidence to prove anything against her. She said, she left home on pretext of fight and what happened after that was not known to her. Sandeep now does not have patience or finance to be able to fight all these lies.” I can prove all that happened but have no reason left for. I am done with life.”

Sandeep became victim of situation where he lost all his belongings, physical wellbeing, career and civil rights. It was a very well thought and planned game against a loving, caring male who just wanted an ordinary life.

Every word of this story is truth including the names of people.

Sandeep..I and my readers will  pray for you. This is for you to have courage to let go, to live life the way it is and to face it so bravely. May god be with you always.

I am so thankful to god to give me friends like Vikrant and Sid who made sure to be around when I needed someone to be there.

Please read earlier post Evanescence .

Next Morning was a bit heavy on heart for him. Though he reminded the woman to let the reptiles go, he was not feeling assured at all.

Sandeep searched for the box of reptiles in her cupboard while she was in shower. No sign of those creepiest crawlies anywhere, he sighed in relief.

That night after basking in glory of marital bliss and great home cooked food, Sandeep was fast asleep. “I never felt so sleepy and tired but that night it was getting impossible to keep my eyes open.” He said.

Late night, the clock must have struck 2 am. Sleepy, heavy in head and sensing some discomfort on his body, Sandeep woke up to the night of horror. At least a dozen of reptiles were on his legs and crawling towards him. Some of them were on the bed too. He was alone on bed and the room. Trying his best to shout, he realized that his shouts were voiceless. He was shouting but could not hear himself.  Though he was trying to throw the creepers but unable to get up. Was it a nightmare? Was it happening in reality? His throat was dry and head was spinning. Hazy and unclear, he tried collecting himself. Why the cough syrup tasted awful? Why she insisted even when he was not coughing.

Suddenly the fact dawned on his half conscious brain. He was drugged. His body was unable to move but his mind, though hazy, was registering incidents around.

He fell unconscious. Next morning, his maid discovered him on the floor. No signs of reptiles or even the lady. All the ornaments, expensive household stuff and she herself were missing. The home looked ransacked and looted mercilessly.

It’s a miracle that Sandeep survived despite being venom infected and drugged. His body is half paralyzed now. Once upon a time, an army officer is reduced to a mere physically challenged person on a wheel chair.

My numbness could be excused. Vikrant could see me absolutely distorted. Worried, he texted but I was unable to move myself. Trying to pretend normal, I politely declined the offer to eat. The last part of this nerve wrecking story was pending still…Why did she do it to him? Where is she?

This is yet to come tomorrow in the last post.

I have gathered courage for a while to be able to write this series.

I kept getting calls from an unknown reader of Udaipur. Capt. Sandeep Sharma was following me to come and be his guest. “Your all stories so far are going to take a beating after you hear mine.” He said repetitively.

So, one fine day, amidst my busy, hectic routine, I planned the trip. The idea was to have dinner with him and leave late night to be able to catch up with work next day. I was sure not to be alone in City of Lakes so I called up Vikrant and he was at Udaipur before I reached. Friends are the best blessing in one’s life and I am the real blessed one.

The steward led me to dinner table which was pre-booked. Vikrant happily spaced himself on another table ordering himself a big plate of tikka and some beer.

I waited patiently for half hour and then started getting restless. Sandeep’s phone was unanswered.” Someone fooled me.” I sent a text to Vikrant and we kept chatting from tables next to each other.

“Hi Ma’am!” I stood quickly looking up  but went numb and quiet for a while. The stern, strong voice had no resemblance with the person on wheel chair. “Thanks for coming. You know now I could not have.” Sandeep has sad, very sad eyes. Sober, gentle and pain smeared on his face like black ink, Sandeep gave me a feeling of heaviness in my heart. His story actually fails Bollywood tales of horror and grime. I am going to finish it in three posts. You have to be with me, my dear reader…

Sandeep got married to his childhood sweetheart with fanfare and royalty. It could have been happily ever after type but fate had something else in store.

Life took a different turn altogether one night when Sandeep found out his wife’s hobby was keeping pet snakes. Stumbling on a box full of snakes in her cupboard was horrifying. Petrified and angry…he asked her to leave all three captive snakes immediately. The lady shamefacedly agreed . Next day before leaving for work Sandeep asked her plans of leaving those reptiles. She promised a call to Wildlife Association or Zoo and do the needful.

More on this tomorrow. Be with me please.

“The things you learn in maturity aren’t simple things such as acquiring information and skills. You learn not to engage in self-destructive behavior. You learn not to burn up energy in anxiety. You discover how to manage your tensions. You learn that self-pity and resentment are among the most toxic of drugs. You find that the world loves talent but pays off on character. You come to understand that most people are neither for you nor against you, they are thinking about themselves. You learn that no matter how hard you try to please, some people in this world are not going to love you – a lesson that is at first troubling and then really relaxing.”

Long ago, it was sent to me by Chief, one of the finest enriching relations almighty has blessed me with. Yesterday when Jatin sent me this entire article, I was delighted to read it in totality. Jatin has always been one of the most knowledge sharing person I have met and thankfully preserve too.

The ways you can tackle a midterm crisis are listed here…try them and trust me…It works. I am around for any help.  Write me on www.facebook.com/ramamoondra.

Pause statue.

It’s a good idea to just stop everything for a while. Take a paper and a pen. Now write all your strengths…no ifs and buts please, ask yourself who you really are. Create a personal development plan on how you would want to leverage your best capabilities. Talk to people you can and find various avenues to change. You or your job may need an overhaul, fresh approach.

Self Awareness

Talk to someone you trust to find out what is it that you really want to be, in your life and in your career.

Re-Learn

Start something new. May be skill building or may be any hobby.Refresh, renew and learn. It has helped me a lot when I learnt to write…it was and still is pure hobby,just that I am able to connect more people with me by the media.

Social Network

Be seen. The new word of mouth is social media. Be on various sites..Connect with old bosses, new friends, lost colleagues, recent recruits..Network is mantra of success.

My apologies for posting it late by a day.

So, moving on from Quarter Life Crisis and hitting midlife and career crisis now. I am back to my writing as I sure know what a midlife crisis looks like.

As one of my precious readers, Aditya V Singh puts it, “Revisiting childhood and adolescence to peel off latent aspirations is desired  while one reaches the midterm of career. Those aspirations need to be pursued passionately one after another for taking life to another orbit. Lot of courage & conviction will help resurrect life or crisis as never before.”

There are a few things in life that one has very little chance of escaping. Heartbreaks back pain, banging a car, losing on the stock market or having a mid- life and career crisis. So how does one know that it is around the corner or you are stuck into one?

What to expect each day at work gets more and more predictable: you know exactly what you will be doing any given minute of your work day. Your challenges, your responses, your options, your actions are all predictable. At the end of the year you can pretty much predict what your boss will say about your performance, you know what your bonus is likely to be and you know what your career rewards will be. The learning has stopped: you haven’t learnt anything new in a while. What you are doing is more or less something that you have been doing all along.

To top it all, you suddenly feel your life is so routine and mundane at all places. You have not made new friends for long & do not have enough time to speak to old ones.

You know the job is not keeping you happy and you do not have enough knowledge of how to find what to do.

Recently someone contacted me for his career charting and growth plan and he listed his strengths (first part of the course) and never called back. I knew what had happened so my text read clearly,” Scared to know yourself?” The response was YES.

You have got into your comfort zone. You know that you are good at what you do but you also know, deep inside, that the next step requires you to learn new skills, to get used to being uncertain, unsure and learn to face fear and failure all over again. And you just can’t seem to be able to muster the energy to do all of this .You wait and expect the organisation to appreciate and leverage what you have already proved yourself in. This does not happen. You feel cheated and angry within yourself.

How and what to do..I will be back day after, not tomorrow. Keep connected.

For the first time a guest writer is on my blog. I am proud and happy to do so since it comes from one of the most important persons of my life. This is from Ashish Golcha.

So here it for you ..first write up on Mid term Career and Life Crisis.Three post series..

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn’t know and may not like.You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don’t recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren’t really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job… and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn’t. One minute,you are insecure and then the next, secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay
where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.You begin to think a companion for life is better than a hundred in the shack and for once you would not mind standing tall for that special someone which otherwise you had never thought of until now.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself… and while winning the race would be great, right now you’d just like to be a contender!

We call it the “Quarter-life Crisis”
Contributed by Ashish Golcha. Edited by Me