Rama Moondra

Measuring personal ability is so easy yet we complicate it so much.We all have a capacity which differs from person to person.  This capacity is called ‘Self Esteem.’ The value tag we put on all ability of ours and to be able to stretch it is so important.

Let me share a personal example. I have been stretching myself in yoga every day. Doing lunges and stretching on knees is harsh and I reeled under severe pain for that. My dance classes did not suffer because of that though. I had to apply painkiller ointment and do warm ups as well but still went to dancing. It pained even further. Anyways, I was up and ready for yoga classes next morning at six a.m.

What happened? I just pushed myself hard to achieve what I wanted to do. It’s just that I do not punish myself for being limp in knees or even a burnt comment from my yoga partner, ” I can do it five sets, you cannot. You have a problematic knee.” Those hard words once pierced through but my self- security is too high to be impacted. I did not even give a damn to his words. I hear a lot on my limping so I am now used to it. If I let it affect me, maybe I will cry every night.

People, who you are nice and kind to, may hurt you . It’s their insecurity. It does not need to deter you. Trust me, the amount of people I have lost in life, I should have a personal cemetery of relationships by now. Some of them are with god, some are destiny’s choice but some just happened to be pure rude and ill-meaning. What do I do about them? Forgave and forgot the third category. I do not look into mirror to see a person who is self pitied and blaming.

So, measure yourself by what do you think of yourself. Not by what others try to de-motivate you from. If someone stops talking to you, looks down on you, demotivated you from achievements, just stop measuring yourself against them. They are confidence-suckers and will leech you only if you allow them to.

Take a paper and write all good things about yourself. It boosts morale. Sure-fire technique.

Listen, I do not mean that you just become overconfident and stop listening to people at all but do not judge only by them. You are a capable person and it’s you whose self awareness matters the most. People will and have always played games against each other and that is life. If you are secure and confident only then people will believe you. It’s like bank account. You cannot take out anything if you have not deposited.

Look yourself into mirror and say, “I am the best.” Trust me; you are if you think you are.

I got many mails asking me to write on human insecurities generated out of family ties. The dictionary definitions may differ as I believe in writing what my perception is.

In my opinion, lot of parents and families play a game on their children especially in their formative years. The game changes shape once the child is adolescent and beyond but it continues, no matter what.

This game is called, “Emotional Blackmail!” wrapped in beautiful gift papers of love laced with high pressure performances and expected to be the best child ever born to mother earth. Most parents want the child to become either what they could not or exact replica.

Sounds harsh? I know. We are so conditioned to see it only as obedience that a truth which may bind, can look like rebellion streak.

.A country like India, which does not have any govt supported network of security, social security is our safety net.

I personally believe family brings in tremendous amount of security system though there is cost attached to everything. There are no free lunches in this world.

As one of my readers Pankaj Bhimani puts it, “security comes from trust and the level of trust we set in the air, more security felt by one. If the person is not opening or what we call person has not “WITHIN” ….It can be found by openness and trust.  I guess “setting up trust level” is one of the efforts to be put in.”

The family bonds can only make you feel secure and vice-versa when trust of every member is high on the relationships. Else it may become a draining impact and can shape an individual coming from deep insecurity and warding off all good relationships as one grows seeing abuses. This person may abuse relationships or may be too scared of good things happening to one. That person has been made believe that he does not deserve it.

Another level of insecurity is personal ability measures. We will talk about it tomorrow.

Be with me. As always..

“Where is the blog?” Parth is one of my favorite readers so his complaint cannot be ignored. After all, he has been calling me, “meri maa” ever since I remember talking to him.

I am starting a new series on feeling of security. Why and how our insecurities crop up and where is the genesis of insecurities?  How to minimize them? A three post series begins with this write up. According to Parth himself ,     “Security may lead to the lack of adventure or say lack of entrepreneurial spirit. But yes it may be noted that social or family security may lead to the better fearless performance as the person does have backups. The better the person equipped with educational, financial support he/she may take bold steps which may lead to the unconventional thinking.”

I agree on this point of having good family security. To be able to fall back upon a family who will understand you and hold you tight when times are bad, is a sheer bliss. I have been blessed by a family matching the specifications though I may not go and cry every time, the very feeling that I can, itself has been great support.

From womb to tomb, the family ties us. Sometimes that becomes a limiting factor and also the genesis of insecurities as well. We will talk about it in next post though.

A good childhood spent in secure environment helps a person develop value system and grow as well. I have seen my friends abroad lacking it and drifting away in various bad practices.

A secure child does become a family oriented person though not necessarily secure independent person.

How and Why? We talk about it tomorrow.

There’s only one life: I loved the latest flick, “ Zindagi Milegi Na dobara.” Well, my love for Hrithik and soft corner for Farhaan did rule as always but my take on this movie is threefold.

The first is how much are we living for ourselves. How many cordons are blocking us just because it’s related to what society or people may think? The life we live is actually our own life and others are part of it. Most of us are coffined already in a box. I loved the dialogue, “ Insaan ko dabbe me tabhi hona chahiye jab wo mar chukka ho.”

The second is my favorite topic and tagline, “You live only once. There is only one life.” I think a lot of friends across globe are in my life because they believe in the same philosophy. Cheryl, that includes our fights and make ups as we both are of same clan. So even I have jumped off a plane, danced on 14000 ft height snowed mountain peak, dived with sharks (may sound crazy..Gold Coast Australia has amazing diving tank of sharks), loved and let go, hurt and heal and learned this hard way that you live only once. There is no tomorrow. I fondly remember a lost soul right now who I said before boarding a turbulent flight, “If it does not land, If I die today, I want you to know, “tum mujhe bahut ache lagte ho.” I am happy that I said that it to him then as life never gave me second chance to live it as well.

The third  is again a personal favorite and I have done entire series on my blog for that. Facing fears. It’s amazing act of all three characters facing their fears and experiencing freedom. I have faced living alone in strange cities, travelling alone in different surroundings, fighting injustice in every form,bleeding and howling in hospital for terrible injuries, my claustrophobia in diving!  Even a day to day swimming puts me back to lack of breathing, for me it’s a small victory every day.

I have learned to do all three things as much as I could and learning it every day still so I can see a happy face of the person who matters most to me, the person I see in mirror.

So, My favorite piece from movie, “Dilon mein tum apni betaabiyan leke chal rahe ho, toh zinda ho tum.Nazar mein khwaabon ki bijliyan leke chal rahe ho, toh zinda ho tum.Hawa ke jhokon ke jaise aazad rehna seekho.

Tum ek dariya ke jaise lehron mein behna seekho.Har ek lamhe se tum milo khole apni baahein.Har ek pal ek naya samaa dekhiye.

Jo apni aankhon mein hayraniyan leke chal rahe ho, toh zinda ho tum
Dilon mein tum apni betaabiyan leke chal rahe ho, toh zinda ho tum”

I have been hurt since last few months. Well, Steve and aftermath of Udaipur has been written though I am still trying to write it off. So, my hurt still stems from there and has not died down yet.

I have been getting a call from a person from Udaipur. (Yeah…Once again…the city of wet lakes with people of dried hearts.)

Captain Sandeep Sharma is very eager to meet me but do not want to travel to Ahmedabad. Rather he says, he cannot. He is ready to pick up all expenses but he wants me to travel.

He comes across as a decent person to talk to. The reason he wants me to come over to share his story of life and he says that my blog stories so far will fail once I have heard him. “I am living with this intense pain everyday and die too. Please! You are not supposed to hate a city just because of one person.” He said. Vikrant offered me to drive down and he thinks that it may turn out as pleasant as ever. “Give a second chance yaar.I can make the city look the same for you. Say yes once.” He insisted only to hear my stern refusal.

I have never been so allergic to any city. Somehow the city of lakes now has three bad memories to associate with and I just am not enough motivated to go. At the same time, my heart is forcing me to listen to a person who needs to talk and also it somewhere might free me from intense dislike I have developed.

It’s a struggle I am going through and really thinking what to do. Need your suggestions. Will the trip liberate me from intense painful memory or will it strengthen and bring back the fateful night I am trying hard to forget. Am I doing injustice to an unheard counsel just because I have not yet healed? Do I have the right to do so as a counselor? Is not that my feelings are important to me as well?

I have always considered myself a very lucky person. A picture perfect life, understanding family, amazing friends, recognition and success, I do not think, I can ask for more in life. God has been very kind to me.

I believe that life always gives you what you ask for .This faith got one more affirmation when I got an invitation from my bank ICICI Wealth management div for a special screening of Marathi Movie, Dhoosar along with a meeting with Amol Palekar who has directed the movie.

The young days came alive again in front of my eyes. Amol has been my favorite actor ever since I watched Rajnigandha. Loved him in Choti sii baat and Golmal was just awesome.

I sat right in front of him and our eyes met more because, forgetting all my etiquette, I kept staring at him. He looked again; I got up shaking hands with him.” If you think, I am staring at you, that’s exactly what I am doing. The reason I am here is to see you.” I smiled and handed over a pen drive to him. He smiled back, “What’s this?” I explained his first role in a television serial of just one appearance and I had that recording.

Amol touched my shoulder fondly,” I did not have it myself. How to thank you?” I said his dialogue to him from movie Baton baton mein, “Just a smile would do.” We both smiled.

The Sunday morning was amazing to be able to converse and feel that warmth of my faith that I can get all my dues in this life. That is exactly what I want my life to look like.

Thanks to Nitin Walia once again for inviting in and giving back a slice of my youth and an opportunity to meet my secret crush as well.

Dear Vikrant,

This time I am replying publicly as desired by you. I agree that you promised me to get that auto driver as well as a  base ball bat and hit him black and blue. I agree that you said, “Care a damn about police…Yeh Udaipur hai Madam, we know our job.”

I did refuse the offer not because I was afraid of beating someone unconscious, not because of police action etc, not because I do not want to come to Udaipur anymore (Hope fully this feeling will fade away too).

I refused because it’s not me to take revenge. Vipaasana has taught me only to forgive and let go, no matter what the other person has done. May sound saintly but in retrospect, it has made me a very calm and composed person within and has won me friends across globe since I take them just the way they are. I have come across detached at times to some people,even to you Vikrant but a closer look and you will realize that I do not move out on any one. The biggest solace my relationships have that I am unshakable  rock  of Gibraltar. Come what may, once there is always there. So, it has nothing to do with fear as in fear defined here.

Fear has one more attribute  and I am quoting it as it is, the way my dear friend and a voracious reader Jatin Gajjar narrated.

“There is a second dimension to Fear also. For example, when you lean over a ledge, fear is a mechanism to warn you…… [You then have to respond to the fear by pulling back or make an estimate that it is still safe]. You need to rationally deal with you fear. [I would not advise to ignore it!]
One of my mentors taught me a very good thing. Whenever your subconscious sends you a signal (fear), try to evaluate why? I have often found that when we ignore these signals as passing thought or fear, we end up in a situation which we did not want. So it is important to listen to your fears and understand why the subconscious wisdom gave this warning! This generally will help to make minor corrections in the plan and there would be a higher probability of ending up the way we planned.”

Just to add on, do not use this system as an excuse for everything. Do not read signals when they do not exist. Subconscious warning  comes only when you take action, not before that.

I strongly believe that absence of fear is not courage essentially. Absence of fear lets us breathe better, allow freedom of expression and saves us from victimization of situations. My courage has never taught me scuba dive without checking my air tank or opening door to a stranger’s painful cries in Atlanta. (That’s the way house break in happens there.)

The wisdom is to understand the difference between fear binding us blinded despite we want to do that action so much and jumping on a rope without checking the fall back support system.

Have a fearless, wise decision making system and the world is yours to conquer.

My sincere apology for not fulfilling my commitment of writing it next day. A hurt leg and 14 hours work routine had somewhere impacted my thought process. Sorry! Here is the last post of Fear series.

“Why don’t you travel on your own this time?” I forced Cheryl who was planning a trip to North East. He accepted enthusiastically but was apprehensive. How to get bookings, all alone in a new city, what if..??? All these questions kept rattling him. Finally he went all alone, unprepared and one of the most exciting travels he had done. His bubbling voice on phone kept thanking me for the step I forced him to take. Fear is a mental state which blocks all your thoughts and initiative. Once set free, you experience real power within you.

When ancient Greek armies traveled across the ocean for wars, the first thing they would do after landing was to burn the boats, leaving them stranded. With no way to make it home , the feeling of victory over death of the soldiers was strengthened. When success and failure are the only options, you have no choice but to be successful.

If you have a goal, but are afraid to commit, force yourself into action by burning the boats. Talk to someone you are scared to call, Take that career move you always wanted to, set a vacation unplanned. (My finest memories are of unplanned travels.)Fear of failure disappears when you realize it can’t save you.

I myself have burnt my boats of going back to USA and get a good job by surrendering my work visa. I wanted to be here and once chosen, I had no other choice then to be successful.

Take all the action that you want in life. It’s just one life and you do not want to die regretting what you have not done when you could have.

Pledge for one thing a month to begin with and this is the day to start.The saddest sentence in human life is…”Oh I should have done it…”.Do it today.Break, unleash and grow. You have nothing to loose except that pseudo fear.

Best of Luck..

“Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out.” Karl Augustus Menninger

Lot of fear is instilled in us from childhood. The way you have been treated as a child and seen your parents, impacts you for lifetime. They educate us to be afraid and teach us to give reasons for timidity that we have developed.

Today we are learning to fight fear in real terms. This is our Second Key of unlocking fear. You will do a practical exercise with me now.

We sit down and do an exercise called, “Panic -Slicing.” To do it with me, please take a pen and paper. Make sure no one disturbs you for next one hour at least. Put your mobile on silent and keep it away from you.

Now list all your fears one by one on paper. Write everything that comes to your mind in the name of fear. May be lizards, death of a loved one, facing new responsibility, it could be anything.

Once done with it, take a fresh sheet and start writing. For example, you first fear is career change. You want to go ahead but do not have enough courage or well settled in comfort zone. Difficult to break but not impossible.

1. Why do you want a career move? Is it money, fame or the old job is not keeping you happy?
2. If its money, what stops you? If happiness, what hinders you?
3. What is it you have got to loose if you move on?

By now, your Panic-slicing has given you enough scribbles and doodles on paper.  Now start putting judgmental notes accurately.

If its money that I want to move on for, I need to let go my comfort zone. New job will give me more money, better learning and a new network to begin with. I will be able to experience a different kind of freedom and be able to create new opportunities.

Fill yourself with new confidence and do not look back. Throw yourself in the stream of flowing water and all that you have got to loose is your pseudo fear.  Move ahead. Life is full of opportunities and do not let them stop you as you are the power and creator of your own world.

Last post on this will be tomorrow..to be able to live fearlessly and develop courage as well.Be here with me as always.