Rama Moondra

This write up is in a way response to three people. Anil and Abhishek, for their comments and questions . Vivek , a complete stranger for his call and  request to articulate his story. Vivek has a single  female boss. Happy with each other professionally, Vivek almost started looking at her as mentor and elder sister feeling. Here, I understand Vivek’s position. He lost his mother at 15 years age. I am sure anyone who slightly gave a sheltered feel,made close connect with his heart. This resulted in sharing personal details, dinners and movies. For Vivek, it did not mean so but for his boss the equation started changing. She went an extra mile to make life easy for Vivek at work.

One night on his way to drop her home after a long day at work, she invited him. Vivek  shocked and hurt, explained her the way  he thought about her.

Vivek was transferred  to other office in same city. His product portfolio has changed and a new struggle has begun.

He asked me,”What did I do, I did everything to make her happy at work . Is not she a Sadist? Asking for attention?What went wrong? “.To me, nothing actually. Everyone needs attention in life. Sharing stories of personal  pain with someone brings a feeling of intimacy.Once the bond is established, failing on it is embarrassing.

Masochism or Sadism both gets attention for a short term. Then it bounces back following third law.”Every action has an equal and opposite reaction”. Anil is right when he says, Men pause better at times . Their capacity of dumping past is higher if the new beginning is their choice.

Vivek, what if the situation was other way round? Would you be hurt as much?  I agree with Abhishek, Not only women live for others and that again can not be generalized.

I grew up as an individualistic person. So, if anyone around me had mood swings  I could not care less. It started changing when I met AB. Widow,Issue less woman she gave everyone a piece of her bad mood. Fights on trivial issues and shouting on petty things are her nature. Her male subordinates laughs at her back and uses her emotionally. I started digging in “Converging Issues”- root cause.  Her being alone and working under her influential brother made her a person,who was continuously trying to make an impression.  The mood swings were manifestation of authority .

  Next assignment I met Manjulika. Married to a General Manager of  MNC, she has a great career herself. A lovely child and happy family portrait stops here. Starved, snubby and authoritative, Manju was difficult to predict. Her male sub actually bet on her mood for the day. The word is PMV in office.Present Market value of peers. It will depend on how her mood will be that day. Here again, I thought for a reason.

Then I understood why..Woman are on a spree of living life for someone else. “Masochism” is causing pain to self. First sip of Gripe Water is gulped down with that learning.  They try being a superwoman. nothing less than best will do.  So, if someone is living life to find happiness through others, they need to be  appreciated. Lack of appreciation kills joy of giving ( if any) and generates anger. Hence the swing most of times.  Though menopausal swings are not part of this.

 Be it authority,proving self or fighting strength trials ,  some imperfection and less than best  does not kill.  If they did,  I would have been dead long ago.

” You are very lucky”..don’t know how many times I hear that.  Lucky Me? ..Ideally I should have agreed to it. A career by design, enviable lifestyle , family and bunch of friends who loves me despite what I am.:)

But deep inside, I shriek when I hear this term . I work  fourteen hours a day.  My last memory of having slept eight hours is frozen in National Archive of  Amnesia.My facial wrinkles are getting prominent waiting at airports.  Jetsetting on airplane food and live out of a suitcase at least fifteen days a month  to be the lucky person I am. So, the debate continues.Is there a factor called Luck?  I believe , we have a cycle of failures and success. Most people are lucky not only because of right decision capacity but also standing by their wrong decisions.  I have made both and have forgiven myself for making wrong ones.

Luck comes when you do not give up. Luck follows when you believe  in yourself no matter what the world thinks of you. We all  make choices in life. To  go ahead, to struggle,to pay a price of what you want..

Recently I met a single man of fifty years age. Very bitter about being lonely,he kept talking about all the sacrifices he made for his brothers .Precisely the reason , he did not marry. 

To me, it was a choice.To him,it is luck. So,it is luck by chance or by choice? I let my readers decide that.

I turn up getting three requests a day bare minimum for therapeutic counselling.Higher the  ladder people climb,lower the self esteem goes. Ideally it should have been other way round.Number of factors contribute to it. The foremost is lack of trust in oneself. Most people believe,what they have got is because of good luck . Not because  they deserve it.

What most executives do not find themselves comfortable is doing a bit of self analysis and and attach a value to it. Not many are comfortable defining self . Disliking oneself  deteriorates the process further.

Recently,a corporate honcho was brought to me(Since he did not come on his own) for his succession planning.  A very simple question was” What do you like about yourself?” He responded,” I am good in my work but I am bad at Computer. Actually am not a marketing person. I wanted to go to IIM but had many responsibilities..” .

It could have gone on but I stopped him. ” What do you like about yourself?” I repeated. He fumbled. ” That’s what I am answering to you. Isn’t it?” Most people judge and reject themselves because they do not match someone else’s criteria. Personally , I suggest, listen to your inner self. If you are good,you are.  Professionally, if you do not find yourself being appreciated or not up to mark  in the job you have,sit down and write all that is good about you without adding the word,”But”. May be you need to talk to your senior about your profile change or need a job change. Restructuring helps. “Change is inevitable, growth is optional’”

Thirty five phone calls and ten sms’s were what I received on my last blog. So, here I am continuing to write on the same topic(though fuelled by readers reactions and demand). One strange call was of Rahul Jain, a businessman from Mumbai who took pains to find my number to call me and asked the most difficult question.”What is your opinion on men? Do you come across some polygamists and passes makers as a globe trotter and professional? Can you write some of your experiences? ”

For once, I was speechless.  I have known men in various forms and no qualms in admitting that I get along better with men in thinking pattern. But today I would share an incident which shook my nerves too( I consider mine of steel . A woman  GM of a good organisation once asked me out for a drink in Bangalore. Over a glass of wine,she told me that she has invited someone. A little later, Mr x joined in. The conversation flew through and soon we were chatting our way on Indian politics, corporate working and so on. After a while,the gentleman asked us to get to his room for dinner. I politely refused saying I was getting late and got up. He held my hand,” You seriously want to go? Why would you have a drink with a man if you don’t want to walk up to his room?” It took me two minutes to reconcile to the fact. My host was holding his waist looking at me. “We have misjudged each other” I said as calmly as I possibly could and left. I walked my way back to my hotel stunned. Does sharing a drink with someone means an invitation?

Next day I took the lady hands on.. She was unruffled at all.” How would I leave my home without you? My hubby? and I thought you are a single, so..” I left that assignment soon after that but this was my first experience of  witnessing  polyandry/polygamy in such a way. Back home,I made a case study of this incident and gave it to my participants of “Behavioral Therapy” .Maximum people felt,it was perfectly fine  to get in to such practice so far it was not known to respective partners.

For my savvy readers..